This week we hosted the experts from the Leaders as they shared how to turn conflict into opportunity and growth.

By Nicole Le Goupillot, Leadership Director at Leaders Consultancy 

Conflict managed well, can actually help build relationships, develop trust and be a motivator for growth and change.

We will all approach conflict resolution in different ways – each having our natural style. Some of us will find it easier to adapt our style than others.

The five main conflict resolution styles include:

  • Avoidance – I leave (both parties lose)
  • Competing – I take charge
  • Accommodating – I give in (the other person has their way)
  • Compromising – we meet half way
  • Collaborating – we both win – a positive outcome for each

Each style does in fact have a corresponding animal!

If you want to find out your animal style you can do the quiz here

Avoiding Turtle

  • Prefers to hide in their shell
  • Withdraws – uncooperative and unassertive
  • Will be quick to give up on the goal or the issue

This style can help maintain a relationship but ultimately things can stay unresolved and lead to bigger difficulties further down the road. It also can have a detrimental impact on the person themselves as they could suffer from internal stress.

Competing Shark

  • Forceful and competitive
  • Goal-oriented
  • Could be to autocratic, authoritative and aggressive
  • Less cooperative

This style can be very useful when a quick decision needs to be made or an unpopular decision needs to be pushed through because it is the right thing to do. However it has the potential to cause further upset and conflict and lead to resentment and hostility.

Accommodating Teddy Bear

  • Human relationships are of most important
  • Unassertive but very cooperative
  • Will ignore their own goals for the sake of maintaining the relationship
  • Will give in to others

Whilst this style maintains relationships and at times can be required, the person who accommodates can be taken advantage of, and in the end it might not be the most productive outcome.

Compromising Fox

  • Concern for relationship and goal
  • Assertive for compromise
  • Lets both sides win and lose
  • Willing to give something up if the other person is too

Relationships can be maintained with this style but compromise can result in game-playing and the real understanding of the problem or issue isn’t really dealt with.

Collaborating Owl

  • Confronts the issue and see it as a problem to be solved
  • Finds solutions that are good for both sides
  • Values goals and relationship
  • See conflict as an opportunity for growth and improvement

This style is the best at helping both sides get a positive outcome but it takes the most time and effort.

Collaborative Problem Solving Process

When dealing with conflict there are five steps to ensure you take:

1. Air all viewpoints

It’s all about the ART of listening not just the ACT of listening – listen so that the other person FEELS heard and they feel seen and understood.  Let the person say all they have to say without interruption or judgement and use neutral language in your dialogue; phrases like, help me understand, I wonder if, tell me more

FBI – work through how you feel, what the specific problem is, and the impact it is having on you – (Simon Sinek shares more on FBI here)

F – Feelings – not just happy or sad, but I’m feeling frustrated, disconnected, put on edge, I’m uncomfortable because … – be really specific

B – Behaviour – what made you feel that way, state the actual behaviour – stay away from generalisations, pick the most recent thing or worst thing

I – Impact – potential impact if the behaviour doesn’t change, address your fears for the future if it doesn’t change or if it continues – there’ll always be tension, the relationship will breakdown, I won’t be able to trust you

2. Clarify the problem

Ask questions to identify and clarify the underlying interests and needs of both sides.

3. Discuss solutions

Put a list of solutions together and evaluate them to see which will work best

4. Develop an agreement

Reach an agreement and have each side own and clarify their responsibility

5. Monitor continually

Make time to check back in and monitor compliance from both sides

To avoid conflict escalating creating a culture of open, honest feedback and dialogue is essential.

Making hard conversations the norm

Kimball Scott’s book Radical Candor is a good read, outlined in the book are four approaches to feedback and only one will produce the growth and change that is desired

  • Radical Candor – care and challenge
  • Obnoxious aggression – challenge no care
  • Ruinous empathy – care no challenge
  • Manipulative insincerity – no care and no challenge

The company Airbnb have a ritual in their organisation to make hard conversations the norm –

  • Elephant – The big things in the room that nobody is talking about
  • Dead Fish – The things that happened a few years ago that people can’t get over
  • Vomit – Sometimes people just need to get something off their mind and you need someone to just sit there and listen

The idea is to communicate openly, always, so that people are free to express themselves even when what they have to say is hard to hear.

Questions for self-reflection

When thinking about ourselves and conflict we need to pause and reflect and ask ourselves some questions and consider some thoughts:

  • How did I contribute to the problem?
  • Have a created a false narrative in my mind? Assume good intentions not bad ones. Don’t jump to conclusions.
  • Hold judgement and be curious and try to understand where the other person is coming from – learn to understand their perspective, rather than prove yours
  • Put ego aside

For more resources on Mastering the Art of Leadership, click here.